Be My Baby: On the Road to Fatherhood by Neil Humphreys

By Neil Humphreys

While traces look at the being pregnant try out equipment, Humphreys global is became the wrong way up. he's excited yet clueless and urgently wishes a few instructions. in any case, his greatest accountability thus far were a puppy hamster and he misplaced that two times. From the instant his medical professional tells him to publication an obstetrician's appointment, he is familiar with he's out of his intensity he doesn t recognize what an obstetrician is.Humphreys offers with mom and dad who mock his intercourse force, midwives who query his usefulness, associates who proportion purely terrible start tales, strangers who rub his wife's stomach and other people who appear to understand every thing there's to grasp approximately being pregnant (but usually don t have youngsters in their own). And there s that worrying dream approximately her giving beginning to a plastic toy lizard made in China.How will he care for his parental insecurities? What s the key to being an honest dad? Will he drop his child on the beginning? either humorous and poignant, Be My child is a frank account of Humphreys quest to be an outstanding father. each mother or father will establish together with his trip and maybe start to comprehend what they themselves positioned their mummy and daddy via, even within the womb.

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I put up the Christmas decorations, including an extra stocking for our unborn matchbox, the tree and the tinsel, vacuum the carpet to remove all traces of superfluous tinsel and plastic leaves and make a spectacularly mediocre dinner that involves only a microwave and a tin opener while my wife helps our unborn child develop eyelids. Sounds fair to me. Tuesday, 4 December D-Day. Doctor day. Our first trip to see the baby doctor. The obstetrician. Until very recently, I had no idea what an 53 54 obstetrician’s field of medical expertise encompassed.

It would be as if the image of a man cupping my balls in his hand had never been a reality. Imagine my horror, then, when I stepped into the doctor’s office only to find that he was a she, and a rather attractive Chinese lady in her late thirties at that. This is the stuff that nightmares and Jerry Springer episodes are made of. The last time my sensitive area had been examined in any detail by a woman was by my mother sometime after my tenth birthday. I had been suffering from intense groin pains caused by a late tackle in a Sunday morning football match (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it).

Sorry for not helping with the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the mopping and the sweeping. Although we probably shouldn’t get carried away with the cooking. My cuisine consists of various tinned foods on toast and instant noodles. I’m hardly a threat to Jamie Oliver. Pregnancy books always point out that between about six and sixteen weeks, the pregnant woman may feel nauseous. Just like that. You may feel nauseous, ladies. It’s almost an off-hand afterthought, suggesting the odd tummy ache and an extended stay on the toilet.

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